It’s been creeping up on me for a few weeks.
I have a steady feeling that nothing is worth doing. Behind that, the sinking suspicion that maybe my whole sobriety project was just another manic-obsessive phase.
What if going #sober was just another manic stage? I'm feeling down today.
— Sober Tony (@sobertony) May 29, 2017
Which leave me with not much to say on Twitter or this blog.
The dots really connected when I read a post on Daniel Maurer’s blog. It was the story of Rachel Thompson and her battle with depression. Here were a few symptoms she listed for clinical depression:
- Not wanting to be around other people
- Neglecting everyday tasks or struggling to do them
- Loss of interest in activities I once enjoyed or struggling to do them
- Intense sadness/crying that just won’t fade
- Unresolved anger
For my mood disorder, the doctor is treating me with a mild drug called Depakote. The goal is to help me get stable, especially as I pursue recovery, and stop all those impulsive and stupid behaviors that have blew up my life. So far, it’s been a good experience.
The problem – I don’t want to do anything.
I’m just content to hang around the house, eat, watch a little Netflix, take a nap, and repeat until bedtime. For someone who works on the Internet, lazy days like that are very expensive.
The other problem – I’m feeling very sad and angry about everything.
Gone are my pink clouds and the joyful promises that came with my AA step work.
I definitely feel more stable, but also very bored and un-creative. The depression symptoms are there, which fits because the bipolar medicine only addresses the manic side of the disorder.
The drama is gone and with it any passion I had to do much anything at all. It takes energy drinks just to play games on my cell phone.
That’s my progress report at 15 weeks sobriety. I’ll leave you with a positive quote from my AA home group:
No matter who leaves us, loves us, or dies — we don’t drink. It would do us no good anyway.
I know medicines are very powerful.
I have been lowering one of my medicines, and it’s very hard.
Gabapenten.
But sometimes it takes awhile for your body to get used to the drug.
Have you told your doctor about how you are feeling?
xo
Wendy
We’re trying to give it 60 days. So I’m halfway there. ????
At moments your post seemed as if I was writing it myself. The thing with bipolar disorder is sometimes it takes a while to find just the right medication cocktail to actually improve things. Personally I didn’t do well with depakote, seraquil or any other night time antipsychotics then while in treatment they added an antidepressant and that threw things way out of whack.
I finally have the right mix of drugs which seem to be working great. I’m on trileptal (mood stabilizer), latuda & lithium (antipsychotic) I take them at night and during the day. The latuda is an enhancer to the mood stabilizer which dramatically improved things for me all around. I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt to ask your doc about something like that.
Long story short, depakote isn’t the only thing out there & if it’s not working don’t give up on psych meds all together, talk to your doc & he should tweak your treatment plan until your happy with it. just keep your head up & stay positive. I have been battling addiction, bipolar disorder and severe depression since I was 13 & now 17 years later I still have my manic episodes and weeks of hibernation but eventually I snap out of it. The difference now though is we have to deal with our mood swings in ways that don’t involve drugs or alcohol.
Thank you for the encouragement. I’m going to write all those down and ask my doctor for some tweaks.
This is my first med so I know it’s a process – patience is hard right now ????