They are big and nasty ????.
I don’t believe in magic pills, but I’m hoping this might do something. Even if it’s only a minor help to get my emotions under control.
It’s been 18 days since the diagnosis – rapid cycling mood disorder. Doesn’t that sound more sophisticated than bipolar or manic-depressive?
I wasn’t ready to accept it. Taking the meds felt like another defeat:
We admitted we were powerless over our mood swings, that our emotions had become unmanageable.
I’m still coming to terms with the addict label. But at least alcoholism is something I can understand and fight through the 12 steps.
So I did a 4th step on the FEAR of this mental health struggle. Turns out, I’m incredibly prideful:
- I don’t want to admit I can manage these mood swings. PRIDE
- Bipolar is becoming cliché – and I want to be special. PRIDE
- I’m almost 40 and already on permanent blood pressure meds – another prescription makes me feel feeble. PRIDE
4 Reasons I Finally Took Depakote
1. The mood cycles are getting worse, even with all the progress in my recovery.
2. This is a real diagnosis by a real psychologist that I greatly respect. I’m not looking for an excuse, I just need help.
3. I want to be stable for my kids. If this can help me get ‘more better’ then I’m willing. Bipolar Tony was not a reliable dad.
A+++ for responsible #parenting pic.twitter.com/PTpvouFnun
— Tony Kummmer (@tonykummer) July 27, 2016
4. Twitter friends keep fighting the stigma, sometimes with kick-ass poems.
Bipolar, a poem:
Some days are good
Some days are shit
Just take your meds
And get on with it.
— Megan (@ThisIsMySober) April 22, 2017
Check back for updates
The doctor said it won’t be overnight, maybe a few weeks before the magic happens. I’ll keep you posted.
I’d love to hear your feedback
Let me know if you’ve ever been on psychotropics. Did you get a mental health check-up when you were in early recovery?
Darin Barry says
I’m Bipolar 1. Welcome to the brotherhood! Be proud, we’re more creative and smarter than the rest of the general population studies show. But man, does it come at a price. I’ve been in psych ward more than I care to admit until I found the right meds to control my mood swings. With bipolar one, we experience the greatest highs, and the lowest lows of the bipolar spectrum. And I had a great idea. Why not add booze to the mix! Wow, was that ever a bad idea – one of my worst. So another reason to feel special Tony, is that the Big Book says Manic Depressives are the sort of alcoholic in which a whole chapter could be written. Co-occurring diagnosis needs to be dealt with simultaneously, or one can upset the other. We are doubly cursed, or doubly blessed, it’s what you make it. Wishing you continued sobriety and stability. Don’t get discouraged if the meds you are taking don’t work right away or if at all over time. There are many that work, but it takes time to find the right ones. I’ve landed on Lamictal and Abilify. I’ve been symptom free for about a year now. If you ever want to talk about it, I’m available.
Sober Tony says
Thanks for the encouragement! My doctor was very glad that I’m working the AA program and have a good sponsor.
He said I sounded like 7 of 10 on my hypomanic events. Then somewhere around 4 on the depression.
I’m going to give the meds a few weeks. Then I have my follow up.
hi tony! i see you are starting olanzapine, although it looks like only on an as needed basis. just wanted to let you know my experience with it, and hopefully give you a little heads up. when i took it…it was prescribed daily but it made me so TIRED that i could go to bed at 7 pm and still not wake up til 4pm nxt day and literally fall asleep sitting up then. once i got a small bit better with that part…it did make me feel such a relief of feeling actually “normal”…more so than any other med ive been on. zero anxiety. the only problem? 70 pounds gained in 3 months. so i got off it. lost the weight. 2 yrs later…i had been tryin several different things but out of deaperation asked to try the zyprexa again for the reason that it provided such good results with feeling levelled out, thinking well i will just watch what i eat and exercise more than i normally would…nope even with that i gained it all back within 3 months again!! i hope u can get along better with it than me but i just wanted to let u know to just watch out for that. i hope this is the start of a brand new peace for u!
Sober Tony says
I didn’t get the Olanzapine, it was too expensive and I didn’t like the information online.
I really appreciate your information. I’m seeing the doctor again in a few weeks.
There is a lovely young lady in my AA group who is bi-polar, and she is awesome!
She is bright and funny!
I hope your medicine helps you.
I am glad you got a check up!
Sober Tony says
Thanks. I’m definitely funny, not sure about bright sometimes ????
I’m not looking for miracles, but I’ll take all the help they can offer.
Good health to you! Finally having a diagnosis for a mood disorder is actually the most liberating and freeing thing when you’ve lived your life undiagnosed. (Over 20 years of undiagnosed Bipolar speaking right here). There are finally answers to so many behavioral issues, reasons for choices you’ve made in the past, and immense hope for the future. Much of your success will come from working with a truly gifted team of mental health professionals. (Find the “good ones”). I owe my therapists my life. I personally never had to overcome addiction, but I used the book 24 Hours A Day: 365 Daily Meditations for the Recovering Alcoholic when I was finally properly diagnosed. Much of what is addressed in the book also applies to Bipolar behavior. Best of luck to you. Every day you wake up is another chance be a better person, and continually grow into a remarkable human being.
Sober Tony says
Thank you so much for saying that.
I’m hopeful that the answers are coming for me too. I have never understood why I couldn’t just feel what I’m supposed to feel. So many examples (even before alcohol) when I was hell-bent on destroying my life.
Today is going to be a great day!