Yesterday I gave up. So it’s a miracle that I made it to 75 days sober.
This week has been tough, lots of downward feelings and negative thinking. Then some travel plans had me out the door with 4 hours of sleep.
I was angry, whining, hungry, and ready to argue with everyone who talked to me. I was snacking of self-pity all morning and I wanted a cold beer to wash it down.
It had been building for a few hours – all the same self-talk, all the same regrets, lots of illogical anger at everyone who’s trying to help me.
Then I made the decision to drink.
I ordered a beer ???? at lunch. But my girlfriend sent it back before I could pick it up. Thankful to have someone like her. pic.twitter.com/ooF0JSCO87
— Sober Tony (@sobertony) April 29, 2017
I’ll call it a miracle. Here’s what she said:
If you’re going to drink yourself to death that’s fine, but I’m not going to sit here and watch it happen.
She gets it — when I was too confused and weak to make the right choice, I needed someone to protect me from myself.
30 minutes later (after some food) I was very thankful that I didn’t lose my sobriety.
I’ve said that I’m not doing recovery right, today I’m grateful that I can’t do relapse right either.
75 Days Sober: What’s the lesson?
After talking to my sponsor, he asked me to look for the lesson in this almost relapse. Here’s what I’m thinking:
- I will never be strong enough to do recovery alone. I need to seek out and accept all the help I can get.
- I can’t handle life without sleep and food. It’s so basic, I was going crazy because I didn’t take those needs seriously.
- I’ve half-assed the higher power stuff. I never thought to pray because in that moment I didn’t believe God was real – or if he’s real he’s not interested in my life. Even when things get bad I’m still depending on my own strength.
- Sobriety is too fragile. Addiction means that things can blow up fast.
Any minute I could change my fucking mind and disappear for the next 3 years. #xa#thisiswhatanxietyfeelslike
— Sober Tony (@sobertony) April 24, 2017
Today is a new day
Forget the almost disaster. Today I have 75 days sober. Yesterday was a failure, but my recovery survived. I’m grateful beyond words.
I can’t do relapse right, that’s a blessing even if I’m not sure about the God stuff.
That was too close.
** Image credit Jacmel Arts Center in Haiti.
My sobriety is not fragile. It hasn’t been for decades. My kungfu is strong, grasshopper, for I have asked God to remove my compulsion to drink and he has. Only trick to that is you actually have to be done. Done with what you’re currently doing, done fighting, done looking for ways to relapse.
Make a decision Tony. Cut that shit out. You’ll be happier for it.
Sober Tony says
I’m with you 95% of the time. I appreciate the reminder. Drinking is suicide.
Then there are moments when that sounds like a good idea.
I’m saying those prayers too. I just wish God would hurry his ass up.
Darin Barry says
It’s day 61 for me, and I’ve found the tenth step promise to be true (bottom of page 84, last paragraph, into 85). I’m on step four and five, but practice 10, 11, and 12 right now and every day. It helps me to take a personal inventory every night, hand it over to the Great Spirit, and talk about it ASAP to my sponsor if need be. Best to you my friend. You’re blog and your journey is an awesome one to follow.
Sober Tony says
Thanks for the encouragement. Your progress is awesome. I had a great talk with my sponsor today and we’re moving forward with step 9. It’s one day at a time. Thanks for reading.