Daily Recovery Club

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75 Days Sober: I can’t even do relapse right

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Yesterday I gave up. So it’s a miracle that I made it to 75 days sober.

This week has been tough, lots of downward feelings and negative thinking. Then some travel plans​ had me out the door with 4 hours of sleep.

I was angry, whining, hungry, and ready to argue with everyone who talked to me. I was snacking of self-pity all morning and I wanted a cold beer to wash it down.

It had been building for a few hours – all the same self-talk, all the same regrets, lots of illogical anger at everyone who’s trying to help me.

Then I made the decision to drink.

I’ll call it a miracle. Here’s what she said:

If you’re going to drink yourself to death that’s fine, but I’m not going to sit here and watch it happen.

She gets it — when I was too confused and weak to make the right choice, I needed someone to protect me from myself.

30 minutes later (after some food) I was very thankful that I didn’t lose my sobriety.

I’ve said that I’m not doing recovery right, today I’m grateful that I can’t do relapse right either.

75 Days Sober: What’s the lesson?

After talking to my sponsor, he asked me to look for the lesson in this almost relapse. Here’s​ what I’m thinking:

  • I will never be strong enough to do recovery alone. I need to seek out and accept all the help I can get.
  • I can’t handle life without sleep and food. It’s so basic, I was going crazy because I didn’t take those needs seriously.
  • I’ve half-assed the higher power stuff. I never thought to pray because in that moment I didn’t believe God was real – or if he’s real he’s not interested in my life. Even when things get bad I’m still depending on my own strength.
  • Sobriety is too fragile. Addiction means that things can blow up fast.

Today is a new day

Forget the almost disaster. Today I have 75 days sober. Yesterday was a failure, but my recovery survived. I’m grateful beyond words.

I can’t do relapse right, that’s a blessing even if I’m not sure about the God stuff.

That was too close.

** Image credit Jacmel Arts Center in Haiti.

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  1. 28 Days Sober: About my almost relapse My recovery is working for one simple reason – I don’t want to drink anymore. It’s not willpower It’s not a spiritual awakening It’s not a sobriety program This time...
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  3. Relapse Day: Toxic friendships I’m not surprised that it happened. For the last few days I’ve been losing resolve and struggling with the craving to drink.  I decided to buy some rum and have...
  4. Relapse was like attempting suicide I never sobbed so hard in my life. It felt like I was choking. It was middle of August and my divorce had just gone final. Despite the 9-month process,...
  5. 11 Days Sober: Dangerous “good days” in early recovery Today was a really solid day. My alcohol cravings were minimal, attitude was positive, and I had moments feeling like a healthy person. I spent time with the family, went...
  6. 26 Days Sober: How my rock bottom became a sober living house in a Caribbean ghetto I can’t imagine a more bizarre way to get sober – except it’s working. I’m 26 days sober and wanted to share a little more about my living arrangements. It’s not...

About Sober Tony

Tony is the founder and editor of Daily Recovery Club. He is a widely respected authority (in his own mind). He's just trying to live a little longer and a lot stronger.

This blog is not professional or medical advice, rather a support community for others suffering from alcoholism. We are all experts on failure, starting over, and trying to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Find him on Twitter @soberTony

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. bgddyjim says

    My sobriety is not fragile. It hasn’t been for decades. My kungfu is strong, grasshopper, for I have asked God to remove my compulsion to drink and he has. Only trick to that is you actually have to be done. Done with what you’re currently doing, done fighting, done looking for ways to relapse.

    Make a decision Tony. Cut that shit out. You’ll be happier for it.

    Reply

    • Sober Tony says

      I’m with you 95% of the time. I appreciate the reminder. Drinking is suicide.

      Then there are moments when that sounds like a good idea.

      I’m saying those prayers too. I just wish God would hurry his ass up.

      Reply

  2. Darin Barry says

    It’s day 61 for me, and I’ve found the tenth step promise to be true (bottom of page 84, last paragraph, into 85). I’m on step four and five, but practice 10, 11, and 12 right now and every day. It helps me to take a personal inventory every night, hand it over to the Great Spirit, and talk about it ASAP to my sponsor if need be. Best to you my friend. You’re blog and your journey is an awesome one to follow.

    Reply

    • Sober Tony says

      Darin,

      Thanks for the encouragement. Your progress is awesome. I had a great talk with my sponsor today and we’re moving forward with step 9. It’s one day at a time. Thanks for reading.

      Reply

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