Yesterday I gave up.
This week has been tough, lots of downward feelings and negative thinking. Then some travel plans had me out the door with 4 hours of sleep.
I was angry, whining, hungry, and ready to argue with everyone who talked to me. I was snacking of self-pity all morning and I wanted a cold beer to wash it down.
It had been building for a few hours – all the same self-talk, all the same regrets, lots of illogical anger at everyone who’s trying to help me.
Then I made the decision to drink.
I ordered a beer ???? at lunch. But my girlfriend sent it back before I could pick it up. Thankful to have someone like her. pic.twitter.com/ooF0JSCO87
— Sober Tony (@sobertony) April 29, 2017
I’ll call it a miracle. Here’s what she said:
If you’re going to drink yourself to death that’s fine, but I’m not going to sit here and watch it happen.
She gets it — when I was too confused and weak to make the right choice, I needed someone to protect me from myself.
30 minutes later (after some food) I was very thankful that I didn’t lose my sobriety.
I’ve said that I’m not doing recovery right, today I’m grateful that I can’t do relapse right either.
What’s the lesson?
After talking to my sponsor, he asked me to look for the lesson in this almost relapse. Here’s what I’m thinking:
- I will never be strong enough to do recovery alone. I need to seek out and accept all the help I can get.
- I can’t handle life without sleep and food. It’s so basic, I was going crazy because I didn’t take those needs seriously.
- I’ve half-assed the higher power stuff. I never thought to pray because in that moment I didn’t believe God was real – or if he’s real he’s not interested in my life. Even when things get bad I’m still depending on my own strength.
- Sobriety is too fragile. Addiction means that things can blow up fast.
— Sober Tony (@sobertony) April 24, 2017
Today is a new day
It’s day 75 sober now. Yesterday was a failure, but my recovery survived. I’m grateful beyond words.
I can’t do relapse right, that’s a blessing even if I’m not sure about the God stuff.
That was too close.
** Image credit Jacmel Arts Center in Haiti.